My ears had heard of you but now
my eyes have seen you
The story I want to share is about our son little Isaiah, about the relationship between God and me, and about God’s salvation.
Question about suffering:
In May of 2018, the doctor confirmed that I had an 11-cm diameter uterine fibroid. When I thought about this, I cried and didn’t understand why God put the disease on me. At my church, I saw many sisters were getting pregnant, and my heart was even more stressed about getting pregnant. I complained to God, “Why me? It is so unfair.” After the surgery to remove the fibroid, the incision on my tummy always reminded me of God’s healing and protection. However, I still asked God the same question, “God, why did you want me to go through this suffering?”
The beginning of the story:
I felt despaired about my chances for future pregnancy until the fourth month after surgery. I found out I was pregnant. I was so scared but surprised at the same time. In the second trimester, we had an ultrasound and found out it was a little boy. My husband, Gary, and I were so excited, and we started to prepare and decorated a nursery room at home. When Isaiah was almost six months old, I didn’t feel any fetal movement for two days, so I went to the hospital for a checkup. The doctor told us the baby’s heartbeat had stopped. Suddenly, I couldn’t stop myself weeping in Gary’s arm. God gave us a precious son, little Isaiah and carried him back to heaven before he was born. We truly had the peace that God put this suffering in our lives for a special purpose. God showed His faithfulness and ‘Emmanuel’ (God is with us) in our storm. God also gave us the message about His salvation through the short and sweet life of little Isaiah.
A story about little Isaiah:
When I was pregnant with little Isaiah, I prayed for him that he would know the Lord and hear the voice of the Lord even while he was still in my womb. God gave us a wonderful and short period when I could feel the interaction between a mom and a baby. I started to feel fetal movement at 19 weeks. Little Isaiah liked kicking me, especially during fellowship and worship time. It seems that he started to praise the Lord in my tummy. It was one month later that we learned Isaiah’s heartbeat had stopped, I could not imagine I had to go through the pain of labor delivery but have a silent baby without any breath of life.
The Lord sits enthroned over the flood, and he is the one who calms the storm. I thought I would fall into endless sorrow and even severe mental illness. However, when I decided to induce labor, God put the sense of unexpected peace in my heart. Throughout the whole process of delivery, I experienced God’s miraculous protection. With God’s mercy and all the prayers, my pain stayed at a tolerable level, so I did not have an epidural. I gave birth to little Isaiah with only five minutes of severe pain. God also protected little Isaiah’s body. My American mom, Terry was an OB/GYN nurse for twelve years. She was very amazed to see how Isaiah came out. She told me, “Isaiah came out with the placenta in the amniotic sac, which was still intact.” God has protected little Isaiah in my womb.
I know that little Isaiah is in heaven with God, our Heavenly Father. It is such a wonderful blessing for him to be with God. It is not that I want to comfort myself or that other people convinced me of this belief, but God put that peace and hope in my heart through the Holy Spirit. Psalm 139, verses 13-16 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful; I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.”
A story about the prayers between God and me:
During the first trimester of pregnancy, I was so scared and worried about miscarriage that I dreamed it happened to me. I was extremely peaceful in my dream, knowing that God is in control and He has a better plan for me. After I woke up, I just kept this dream in my heart. I didn’t tell Gary about it because I really hope the baby will be born safely. I prayed for Isaiah in my car on the way to work every day. God put His thought in my mind that He will use this child to help more people believe in Him. I also prayed for little Isaiah’s salvation and prayed that he would know God and follow God one day. I had the expectation that Isaiah will be used by God. I remembered Hannah’s prayer to God, “Give me a son, and I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life.” God reminded me of his healing after the fibroid surgery nine months ago, and I got pregnant. This is the miracle performed by God. Little Isaiah is not only my child but also a child from God.
Besides the prayers for little Isaiah, I also said the prayer for myself. I realized I hit the bottleneck in my Christian belief. Even though I understand the words of God, serve Him and join the fellowship regularly, I could feel my relationship with God is off and on from time to time. I told myself, “I have a family, and now my child is about to be born. I probably will be a simple Sunday Christian who takes care of children on weekdays and goes to church on Sunday fulfilling my responsibility as a Christian. Is this my relationship with God for the rest of my life?” Obviously, going to church does not draw me closed to God. I confessed to God that I made my own decisions and plans for my life most of the time. I considered God as a consultant instead of the lord of my life. Therefore, I asked God to take control of my life, lead me every step, and ask him to remove the pride in my heart. I asked for a living connection with God deep in my heart because I didn’t want to be a Pharisee.
A few days later, I felt less fetal movements as I drove to work. I was afraid that God would take this child away. I even asked myself, “Is God going to turn this tragedy into a blessing for other people around me?” I didn’t want my baby to die in my tummy. Many people at our church think the more you serve the Lord, the more sufferings you will experience. In other words, bad things always happened to good people. I thought I was not a holy Christian with a good servant's heart, so no tragedy would happen to me.
At his point, you may be asking this question, “Is this because I want to seek and experience God, God let the suffering happen to me and test my faith?” Please don’t forget that God did not promise us to have a very smooth life in this world after we become a believer. In the Bible, God also allowed Job to have sufferings in his life. God claimed that in this world, we will have trouble, but we may have peace in him. Take heart, He has overcome the world. (John16:33) God is not the one who likes punishing us or giving us a hard time deliberately. Even though there are troubles in our life, He is still the God who loves and has mercy on people. God’s love is unchangeable. The devil, Satan, takes advantage of the weakness and suffering of human beings, putting fear, worry, and doubt in our hearts. All these feelings really made us have doubt about God and drive us away from God. However, I know God responded to my prayer in this thunderstorm. I truly experienced God’s presence with me. On the day that I had the induction, He gave me the joy and peace that the world could not understand. I know that I have lost my son from a human being’s perspective, but I did not feel that I have lost him spiritually. God loves little Isaiah. He had a plan to bring little Isaiah back to heaven. God’s way is always good because God is love. Although I don’t understand His way completely, I know that I have not lost my son. God gives us a hope that I will see little Isaiah in heaven one day. My hope is in heaven, an eternal home. I suddenly feel that heaven is so real to me. Our Testimony and the way we live our lives on earth can bring the hope and joy of heaven to other people who do not believe in God.
A story about God’s salvation:
This is a story about God’s salvation. Little Isaiah came to this world and hurried back to his heavenly home. God used this child to bring us an important message, “The Lord is the salvation.” God saved my relationship with Him, saved the marriage relationship with Gary, and put the seeds of salvation in the hearts of my unbelieving family.
One week after delivery, due to hormonal changes in my body, I found that I was a little bit depressed. I was so worried about my future pregnancy that my next baby will be stillborn again. Every time I heard some complicated scientific theories about stillbirth from our friends, my emotion was broken down because of the different opinions. I realized that I had no way to bear these burdens alone facing the words from human beings and fear for the future. I had to turn my eyes upon Jesus all the time. I unreservedly gave away all my emotional burdens and worries to God and put on the full armor of God. Ephesians 6:10-11 says, “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” I did not realize the importance of full armor of God, so I would circle in the trap of a dark black hole when the negative emotion came into my mind. However, this tragedy changed the relationship between me and God. I must admit that I cannot live without God every day. I need to enjoy and feel His presence with me. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
God saved our marriage through little Isaiah. Gary and I did not set a time for daily Bible study and prayer after we got married. We only prayed together when we felt we need to pray. We discussed the Bible together when either of us needs to lead a Bible study for that week. However, we did not put Bible study and family prayer time on our daily to-do list. Our lives were naturally full of worries, complaints, and troubles. Gradually, we used ‘busy’ as an excuse to ignore the need to pray for each other in marriage. When we lacked the prayers to protect our marriage, the devil Satan was quietly destructing our marriage, making our marriage unconsciously cracked. I still remember that day when the nurse could not find the baby’s heartbeat, my tears began to flow like a waterfall. Gary embraced me and said, “Sorry, my wife, I took you for granted and I took the baby for granted.” Yes, we took so many things for granted because we never know what will happen tomorrow. Everything in life is not controlled by our hands. We theoretically know that God is the God who controls tomorrow, but we often ignore God in our life. We put our hope in many short-lived objects in this world. Thank the Lord, God used little Isaiah to turn me and Gary back to Him and concentrate on seeking Him. He wants us to figure out the most precious gift in this world, God Himself. From then on, we started a family Bible study after dinner every day. We asked God to protect our marriage and protect each other from all temptations in marriage. On the second day after the birth of Isaiah, Gary came out of the nursery room. He was very serious as he sat quietly in front of me. He apologized to me because he never confessed his secret sins to me and he felt he had owed a lot to God and me in the past three years. He asked for my forgiveness because he hid his sins from me. I am very touched that he could open his heart to me without any reservation. He no longer hides any little secrets from me. Although I was a little bit upset about that, I was willing to forgive and accept my husband and give him a big hug. Now, whenever we think of little Isaiah, we remember that God had used his sweet and short life to save our marriage and create a new beginning for our marriage.
God also used little Isaiah to pass the Gospel message to my unbelieved family. From the beginning of my pregnancy, I prayed to God that He would use this child to let more people believe in the Lord. Terry mom named our baby Isaiah which means the Lord is salvation. God loves my unbelieved family in China. My mother came to the US to be with me because of Isaiah’s death. Even though I went through a heart-broken journey, God gave me the willing heart to share the story of Jesus Christ’s redemption with my mother. She did not make the decision to believe in the Lord immediately, but I believe that the seeds of the Gospel will be planted in her heart. She will recall the story of her little grandson, Isaiah, remembering that there is still a precious redemption from God that will lead her into the eternal kingdom of heaven.
The story is yet to be continued:
Gary and I ordered two customized rings with Isaiah’s handprints, footprints, and his name. Every time when people see these rings and ask about our story, we can share with them about God’s plan of salvation and our hope in heaven. Even though little Isaiah is in heaven, we feel we are holding his hands every day and sharing with other people about the faithfulness of our precious God that we have experienced.
This is the story I want to share with you. As I mentioned at the beginning of my testimony, you and I have asked the same question, “Why me?”, “Why did you want me to go through this suffering?” In fact, I don’t know yet. However, if I keep wondering the reason for this suffering and blaming myself for doing something wrong to cause my baby’s death, I will fall into a bottomless pit filled with bitterness and complaints to God. The only thing I am sure of is that God wants me to trust Him and put my hope in Him during my pain and suffering. God wants me to learn the lesson to ‘let go and let God”. We cannot predict what will happen tomorrow, but we know who holds tomorrow. He is a loving God and He has a good purpose in my life. God has given us His only beloved son Jesus Christ to us. How will He not also prepare the best plan for us? In the Bible, God did not explain the cause of suffering to Job, but He made Job realize that God’s mighty power and sovereignty is greater than the suffering in front of him. God turned Job’s eyes from suffering to God, so Job claimed, “My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you!” Gary and I experienced God during suffering. He used Isaiah’s life to save my relationship with Him, save our marriage, and even in the future to save more unbelievers. Therefore, this story is to be continued.